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Monday, March 4, 2013

I Want a Pet Sarlacc Named Marty - by Jake Garrett


I want a pet Sarlacc named Marty
I'd feed him only hunters of bounty
I'd show my friends at a dinner party
then feed them to him with pure sociopathic glee

I know I couldn't take Marty for walks
no one makes leashes that are quite that long
but Marty prefers our long philosophical talks
after having fed him a high school dance team on a bus

Marty and me we'll be as happy can be
content to just lie in the sun
and though by thousands of years he'll outlive me
I'm glad to know that I fed him my high school gym teacher after all

he's as hungry an omnivorous anthropod as you've ever seen
and lonely still it would seem
for his tentacles are far to big and clumsy
to search for a mate on singlesarlaccs.com

His family I know, I can never replace
for they live so very far away
and he may never again look upon his mother's face
because it may have been ripped off by a greater krayt dragon from Kashyyyk

and though he'll miss the dunes and the pit of Carkoon
I'll make do with a pile of sand
cause my back yard is small and my mom disapproves
Wait a second, I'll just feed her to Marty. Problem solved.

Marty's loud laughter could wake the dead
but I'm not concerned about that
for when zombies rise I'll have nothing to dread
Marty likes his humans fermented

Marty's a killer with a heart of gold it's true
and a wonderful garbage disposal
but above all he'll bend an ear for you
while it digests in his stomach for a millenium

So if you don't cross me and you don't cross him
we'll share a few laughs together
Marty and me and possibly you
we'll laugh as dear Boba's dismemebered


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