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Thursday, January 19, 2012

SC Republican Debate

It doesn't really matter whether what Newt Gingrich's second ex-wife said is true or not.  The violently angry response from Newt, though he had the right to be angry, was so strong that it makes you wonder.  He spent so much time denying it and rejecting it that he comes under question.  Its like, did you break this vase?  Me?! That vase?! Are you kidding me?  I didn't know there was a vase?  What vase?  When?  Yesterday?  We had a vase yesterday? Don't you ask me about vases!  I want to know where all the cookies are.  I'm astounded that a person of your stature would accuse me in front of my friends for breaking that vase! Show me the cookies, that's the important issue here.  (In photo, Newt demands Mitt pull his finger to relieve the pain built up inside after eating several taquitos from a local 7 Eleven.)

Had Newt just laughed it off and said, "of course that's false, it's two days before the South Carolina Primary, and she hates me", then they could just move on.  Instead, he get's red in the face and says "how dare you ask me that question".  True, that was a stupid question to ask, I'll give him that.  But how would Newt react, if President, and an Iranian terrorist sends him a video flipping him the bird and pretending to poop on a picture of him?  Will he remain cool?  I doubt it.

Second, I question Romney.  Just answer the questions.  Are you saying a net job creation of 100,000 or just saying Bain created 100,000, but through bankruptcy and buy-outs, lost 300,000 jobs?  And why do you keep sweating and stumbling over your words when talking about your tax information?  Everyone else is just throwing it out there.  You afraid that everyone will see you are not a small business and average Joe type guy?  Everyone already knows you're not.  And you're not human enough for anyone to say, "hey, he's the kind of guy I can see having a diet caffeine-free pepsi with.  Also the kind of guy I can end my sentences with prepositions and not be judged for it."  No one would willingly subject his or herself to that beverage anyway, but you get the idea.

Romney spends more time bashing Obama, and hardly any time talking about stuff he'll do.  It's one thing to say, you're wrong, and another to say, it would be better if...  Otherwise, it's like you're the kid on the playground who sits on the sidelines of the basketball court mocking the players every time they make a mistake, and then getting called into the game and standing mid-court picking your nose.

Off my soap box.  Recap time.

Newt remains as smug and self-assured as a house trained kitten sitting in a beam of light by the window, smiling because the owners don't know that he urinated on their pillows.

Santorum continues his signature move of avoiding eye contact with anyone while stumbling over his own words, and introduces a new side of him that speaks in third person.

Wait, Ron Paul was an OBGYN?!?  Turns out he is creepier than I thought.

Paul continues his ode to small government, and dreams of shrinking it, hanging it on a line of hemp, and wearing it around his neck--accessory to his tribal headdress and loin cloth.

Santorum flaunts the fact that he actually won the Iowa caucus, and had twice as much support as the Newt.  But wait, what's that?  Oh yeah, Iowa is irrelevant.  No one cares.

Santorum showed his metaphoric balls tonight by screaming at Newt.  Good for you.  But you're still delusional.

Mitt freaks out a bit when asked about taxes, again.  C'mon Mitt, what are you trying to hide?

Newt toots the "Newt knows best" horn.

Romney's catch phrase, "let me tell ya" precedes every load of crap he throws out there.

There are a lot of promises of what will be done "day one". You won't be repealing anything "day one".  You're going to be moving couches.  Or, more appropriately, delegating the moving of couches.  And you're politicians, you know how long it takes Congress to do anything.  Don't lie to us, please?  We're not that dumb.

Gingrich changed position slightly on SOPA when he got booed.  Stay classy, amphibian.

South Carolina has picked the nominee since 1980.  That doesn't mean it's set in stone.  Even Paul the Octopus didn't pick all 14 World Cup Games.  He missed two.



Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Ron Paul's Witnesses

You may have seen them or been contacted by them already; they dress as normal people and are unidentifiable other than their bumper stickers, lawn signs, and awkward political zeal when entering your conversations uninvited.

They are few and far between, but are strong, devoted, strictly closed-minded and unapologetically arrogant.  Carbon copies of Paul himself, and simply cannot accept that there are those who don't share their beliefs.  Though their cause for national isolation is noble, it is childishly naive and hopelessly unattainable.  So what do the tracts that they so enthusiastically and passive-aggressively distribute say?

The Gospel of Ron Paul:

Ron Paul's Witnesses preach that Ron Paul is the Chosen One, sent from planet Krypton to bring balance to the Constitution, defeat the machines so that the humans can move above ground once more, unplugging from the Matrix, and casting the One Ring into Mount Doom.

There are, however, some obstacles to overcome.   There is a prophecy that states Ron Paul will come from the very near future to track down Sarah Palin by searching phonebooks and killing off each match, and to refocus his campaign in New Hampshire.  If he fails to do so, Present Ron Paul will not be elected, and consequently not preserve the Constitution.  The same prophecy states that a Kyle Reece, Mitt Romney's campaign manager, will also come from the near future to stop him.

Future Ron Paul will come invisibly to hunt down Palins unless Kyle stops him.  The prophecy is unclear, but suggests that Kyle will enlist the help of Carl Weathers, who when not teaching acting classes, is a commando CIA agent who kills aliens in the Amazon, and knows a thing or two about hunting.  (Not to be confused with Danny Glover,maverick LAPD cop following the weed trafficking from Jamaica in the inner city and alien killer on weekends.)

Kyle and Carl will shrink themselves down and enter Paul's computer in an attempt to take him and his election campaign team down.  They must defeat a young, digital projection of an obviously aged and voiced-over Jeff Bridges. To defeat Paul, they must destroy Bridges and his campaign metadata, and drive neon light motorcycles around for at least a half an hour.

If successful, Kyle and Carl must then infiltrate the Department of Mysteries within the Ministry of Magic and destroy the other prophecy that predicts the end of the election.

If you think thats complicated, it gets worse.  In the future, time has become the currency. Kyle has a clock embedded in his arm which shows how much time he has left to live, and that time will be running out.  This will be to the advantage of both Present and Future Paul, because while Future Paul searches for Palins, Present Paul can search for Kyle whose momentum will be slowing. 

Kyle's only hope to survive is to find Doctor Emmitt Brown, who aided by 1.21 gigawatts, can send Kyle back to the future where he can add more time to his clock.  Secondly, Kyle will also be going through withdrawals.  The futuristic society is based on the music of two would-be high school flunkies from San Dimas during the '80s that were saved by Rufus.

If Paul is not elected, according to the tracts, the Constitution will be radically altered beyond recognition, we will go to war with everyone, the machines will continue to be powered by incubated humans, Sauron will command his orcs to destroy the shire, children will fight to the death in arenas, racism as we know it will cease to exist, and all the trees on Pandora will be cut to the ground.

I hope this has been enlightening and informative.  Now you too can understand how imperative it is to stop the waking nightmare before it begins.

Monday, January 9, 2012

#90sproblems

Twitter had a hashtag today called #90sproblems, and growing up in the nineties, it was a trip down nostalgia lane reading other people's comments.  Here's my list:

 mom never answered when I called collect

 sea monkeys died before they were big enough to see what they looked like. They sure didn't look like the picture 

 never got a decent set of POGS, but i had an optimus prime slammer

 parents telling kids they couldn't watch the Simpsons or play Mortal Kombat