Ron Paul's Witnesses

You may have seen them or been contacted by them already; they dress as normal people and are unidentifiable other than their bumper stickers, lawn signs, and awkward political zeal when entering your conversations uninvited.

They are few and far between, but are strong, devoted, strictly closed-minded and unapologetically arrogant.  Carbon copies of Paul himself, and simply cannot accept that there are those who don't share their beliefs.  Though their cause for national isolation is noble, it is childishly naive and hopelessly unattainable.  So what do the tracts that they so enthusiastically and passive-aggressively distribute say?

The Gospel of Ron Paul:

Ron Paul's Witnesses preach that Ron Paul is the Chosen One, sent from planet Krypton to bring balance to the Constitution, defeat the machines so that the humans can move above ground once more, unplugging from the Matrix, and casting the One Ring into Mount Doom.

There are, however, some obstacles to overcome.   There is a prophecy that states Ron Paul will come from the very near future to track down Sarah Palin by searching phonebooks and killing off each match, and to refocus his campaign in New Hampshire.  If he fails to do so, Present Ron Paul will not be elected, and consequently not preserve the Constitution.  The same prophecy states that a Kyle Reece, Mitt Romney's campaign manager, will also come from the near future to stop him.

Future Ron Paul will come invisibly to hunt down Palins unless Kyle stops him.  The prophecy is unclear, but suggests that Kyle will enlist the help of Carl Weathers, who when not teaching acting classes, is a commando CIA agent who kills aliens in the Amazon, and knows a thing or two about hunting.  (Not to be confused with Danny Glover,maverick LAPD cop following the weed trafficking from Jamaica in the inner city and alien killer on weekends.)

Kyle and Carl will shrink themselves down and enter Paul's computer in an attempt to take him and his election campaign team down.  They must defeat a young, digital projection of an obviously aged and voiced-over Jeff Bridges. To defeat Paul, they must destroy Bridges and his campaign metadata, and drive neon light motorcycles around for at least a half an hour.

If successful, Kyle and Carl must then infiltrate the Department of Mysteries within the Ministry of Magic and destroy the other prophecy that predicts the end of the election.

If you think thats complicated, it gets worse.  In the future, time has become the currency. Kyle has a clock embedded in his arm which shows how much time he has left to live, and that time will be running out.  This will be to the advantage of both Present and Future Paul, because while Future Paul searches for Palins, Present Paul can search for Kyle whose momentum will be slowing. 

Kyle's only hope to survive is to find Doctor Emmitt Brown, who aided by 1.21 gigawatts, can send Kyle back to the future where he can add more time to his clock.  Secondly, Kyle will also be going through withdrawals.  The futuristic society is based on the music of two would-be high school flunkies from San Dimas during the '80s that were saved by Rufus.

If Paul is not elected, according to the tracts, the Constitution will be radically altered beyond recognition, we will go to war with everyone, the machines will continue to be powered by incubated humans, Sauron will command his orcs to destroy the shire, children will fight to the death in arenas, racism as we know it will cease to exist, and all the trees on Pandora will be cut to the ground.

I hope this has been enlightening and informative.  Now you too can understand how imperative it is to stop the waking nightmare before it begins.